in every moment, there exists possibility.  possibility for greatness, for happiness, for wholeness.  in order to attain this, i must choose wisely in my life.  for my life is not just a string of circumstances, it is also my response to them.  circumstances will always attempt to shape me.  but equally powerful are my choices to shape them.

the history of my Self is a complex story, riddled with hurt, damage, and pain.  but equally important to my story is the healing, love, and joy.  i am not myself without both sides.  which is why i choose to look on my past with love and respect, since it has brought me to this very place.  in this moment, i am proud of who i am.  i believe in myself.  i trust in my ability to make thoughtful decisions.

if in every moment, there is a choice.  then, in every moment, to every choice, i make a decision.  i decide, in each moment, in each circumstance, in every situation, who i want to be.  do i want to live this moment striving to be my best Self?  if so, how do i need to act?  what choice must i make next if i wish to live my potential?  what must i do to lead a successful life?  i really do ask myself these questions.  and i answer them, too.

success for me is not about money, power, or fame.  it is about my ability to be whole, to share my Self, to spread light.  the metric by which i measure my success as a human being is unorthodox.  i accept the fact that i may live my entire life financially insecure, that when i die my name will likely not be printed in books, forever remembered.  but i have hope and faith in people.  and i believe, if i am able to live my life in a way that strives for my fated ideal, that my impact will be felt.  the energy i put into the world, it must reverberate in the souls of those i encounter.  the people that i meet, the relationships i build–however brief– matter.  and those experiences cannot be quantified, boiled down to numbers able to be measured.

i have a difficult time truly connecting with people because i feel it, the connection, so intensely.  i have found it easier to disconnect, to allow myself space to stay protected.  that is changing.  i am still not a particularly social person.  but for each person i meet, there is a collection of moments.  and in those moments, i have a choice.  i am able to choose not only who i wish to be, but also how i want to relate that Self to another.  i may be the best person i can be, but if i never share that Self with my world, what good is it?

i am so grateful for this evolution of my understanding.  it has allowed me a great, invaluable gift.  people surprise me, in the most beautiful way.  one of my peers and classmates, whom i have had a very difficult time understanding as we often disagree, showed her Self to our class the other day.  for our final project presentation, she made the most touching, powerful, and beautiful short film i have ever seen.  it allowed me to see her for her potential.  it allowed me to see who she Is.  i think i understand now.  and i appreciate so much her decision to bravely show her Self, and my decision to see her.  she is the same person who sometimes infuriates me.  but i have a better understanding of her whole self.  and it makes sense.  i think if we had more time in the same class, we may grow to understand each other even further.  i wish i had that time.

over the past year and a half i have been consciously working on my Self.  i have taken time to heal, to understand, and i have created a version of myself i am proud of.  but over the past year and a half, i have isolated myself.  maybe it was necessary for the work i was doing, maybe not.  but, now, in this moment, i choose to connect.  to open my arms and accept the gifts that are delivered into them.  what the world has in store for me, i cannot know.  but, i trust in my ability to choose wisely.

i believe in fate.  people are brought into my life for a reason.  and the choices i make, to connect or not are invaluable.  they decide the course of my life, the version of my Self i am able to be.  i choose to welcome love, for whatever duration it makes itself available to me.  the choices my loved ones make impact me, and the choices i make impact them reciprocally.  with each individual decision, we build together our fated paths.  from that, light inevitably shines.

[special thanks to Iele Paloumpis and Niv Acosta, my friends and neighbors, for the conversation and inspiration for this piece.]

if you haven’t already, you should watch the video above because it is what frames this post.

i’m in college, trying to get my undergraduate degree.  the majority of my classmates are 18-21 and i’m 25.  not a huge age difference, but a noticeable one when you’ve been on your own for 8 years.  college small talk consists of a few standbys “so, do you like this class?”  “how’d you do on that test?” and the most used, “what’s your major?” which is often followed up with “what do you want to be?”  one of the things i love so much about school is that it gives me the opportunity to interact with folks i normally wouldn’t know.  it’s a very special environment, ripe with knowledge.

now, i’m in school because i want to be.  i love it.  i had to drop out at 19 and practically counted the days until i was able to get back to school.  5 years later, i’m doing it.  and i’m very proud of that.  but i cannot even begin to tell you how many people do not want to be in school.  or the people who are there just because they feel they should be.  i’m not counting the people i assume this is true for because of their classroom antics.  i’m talking about folks that i have conversations with.  some of my “school friends” (you know the people you are friends with at school, but only know there) are like this.

if you were to pose this question, “why are you here?” to a class of 150 students, i would be scared to see the results.  i believe the majority, probably overwhelmingly would say things like, “i don’t know,” “to get a good job,” “to make money,” “because my mom made me,” etc.  i hear people honestly say they are in college because it is what their parents want.  these are adults, mind you.  now, i understand familial and societal pressure is no joke.  it can make people live their whole lives insincerely.

i used to hang out with this girl in my English class last semester.  it was freshman english, so everyone else in my class was 18, including her.  she’s insanely smart.  very warm-hearted.  i’m sure she could be anything.  she told me she already hates her major, in her second semester of college.  i told her she should change it!  shoot, i’m on my 6th major.  but look at me, at least i’m happy!  she said she didn’t see the point since she doesn’t know what to change it to.  so i asked her to imagine with me.  i said, alright, well, what do you love?  if you could do anything what would it be?  she didn’t know.  i asked a beautiful, intelligent, successful 18 year old what she loved, and she just looked at me blankly.  it broke my heart.

what are our schools doing?  who are they creating?  it seems to me we’re are simply churning out workers.  people go to college not to learn, but to get a degree, a piece of paper, to ensure that they make more money at a job.  think about it.  how could our world be different if people did what they love?  if we had a society that allowed each of us to figure out what that is!  imagine if we were encouraged to follow our hearts.  if we were taught to learn because it made us better people.  imagine if we stopped putting education on a pedestal.  a pedestal only meant for certain people.  imagine if we had education that taught people not just to think, but to be better at whatever they love, at whatever they want to do…thinking or not.  imagine if our schools taught us how to better versions of ourselves.  Du Bois says schools should not just make workers and thinkers, but they should make men.  now, that was in 1903.  today, i would say, schools should make humans.  when i say that, i mean people in touch with humanity.  we are a lost people.  our society creates masses of workers out of touch with themselves and calls that process education.  that is not education.  that is the crushing of our humanity, of our Self, of our Soul.

it has to change.  we have to change it.  our people, ourselves, we need to change.  do you see it?  take a minute.  really, close your eyes.  just picture it…imagine our current reality.  let yourself go there.  feel it.  it hurts.  our people, our country is hurting.  we are out of touch with our needs, with the needs of our communities.  we have lost our connection to our land and to our people.  it’s time to change.  to evolve.  to rediscover what is right, and good, and real.  it is a long process that begins with one simple decision.  to be a part of the solution.  it’s just a choice.

what do you choose?