lee simply

there is a depth of quiet i am constantly striving to achieve each day.  some days, i make choices that allow me another step toward this goal.  and other days, i make choices that add to the chaos.  the world is loud; it offers distraction at every turn.  we are all susceptible to it.  we must simply adapt; evolve to accept the fast pace and loud environment, and most importantly, learn to move slowly through it.  i am by no means masterful at this art.  i am merely a student in the world, learning from every experience.  i try to soak in the lessons, absorb them into my spirit so i can rely on them when times are hard.

i often have to remind myself of this.  each day i am alive, i am able to learn something.  each day i am able to learn something, i am able to live.  learning takes many forms.  it can be very literal: i go to a class, a teacher passes me knowledge,  i am tested.  other times it is more figurative: i take the time on my way to a coffee shop to feel the air as it enters my body, cold and crisp in the winter; to feel my feet in my shoes, on the sturdy but broken concrete as i walk.

when i am able to achieve some kind of quiet in this loud world, i am better able to focus on what is real.  the urge to disassociate from the things that are difficult; to feign ignorance in the face of a fiercely ugly reality can be strong.  what is real can be hard to see, hard to hear, and often hard to believe.  when we pass someone on the street asking for food, we often simply shake our head and look away.  when a story is told that challenges our understanding of reality, it is easy to just dismiss it as wrong.  we may close our eyes, turn our heads, put on headphones, dig in our heels, and hang on to what we think we know.  to resist change.

change is what keeps us alive.  literally, the cells of our bodies divide, the planets shift; life moves.  stagnancy is death.  as a people, we must monitor what it is we put into the world.  does it contribute to change?  does it contribute at all?  what are we bringing into the world?  what are we leaving behind?  i strongly believe that every action and every nonaction has an effect.  the food i eat, the things i buy, where i live, what i spend my money on, who i talk to, who i vote for, what i fight for, what i think about, what i write about, what i say, what i don’t say, and how i do or don’t say it matters.

i spend a lot of time with words, reading them, writing them, thinking them, saying them.  everybody has a thing.  words are my thing.  i try to choose my words thoughtfully, in every context.  recently, i have put a lot of thought into sarcasm.  what exactly is its purpose?  how does it contribute to conversation?  with this, as with everything, my history greatly informs my understanding.  and i have a long history with sarcasm as a deflective technique.  in fact, i used to use all language defensively.  now, i am dedicated to my own truth and carefully choose my words to communicate only what is real.  it is my desire to go even further that.  i hope through practice to someday only bring words into this world that have a purpose.

i have noticed that so many people i interact with use sarcasm regularly.  some people employ it as their main form of communication.  i’m not even sure if it is actually communication.  according to the meriam webster dictionary, sarcasm is “a mode of satirical wit depending for its effect on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual.”  another definition i found, thanks to wikipedia, says sarcasm is the  “rhetorical device of using a characterization of something or someone in order to express contempt.  It is closely connected with irony, in that the two are often combined in the same statement.”  more often than not, sarcasm feels destructive.  it asserts the opposite of what is true in a tone meant to make the receiver of said comment feel inferior.   how is this okay?  and how is it that sarcasm has taken over as a main form of communication?

i use sarcasm.  but i don’t like it, not when i use it and not when other people do.  well timed wit and irony are amusing, and i definitely appreciate the variety that they add to communication.  but i wonder what we could achieve without it, if we all would just say what we mean.  think about how much more we would know about ourselves and each other.

every choice has a consequence; every action a reaction.  if my goal is to find quiet in the chaos, to learn from every moment, to welcome change, and to contribute with purpose, i need to make choices that allow for this.  i cannot know what is right for everyone, and i can only strive know what is right for me.  i want to be more real, even if it means saying less.  perhaps it is how i can say the most.

each day is made up of innumerable moments in which i interact with the world.  recently, i have attempted to clear away the noise and resulting chaos– a constant process– in order to have the time and space to be able to listen more carefully.  the funny thing is, there are far fewer words than i expected to find.  instead, it is more a challenge for me to feel.

i am surprised, overwhelmed even, by the amount of things i experience regularly that stream into my consciousness as a series of pictures, strong emotions; gut instincts.  before i allowed myself this (occasionally frustrating) gift, my life read more like a script.  i was rehearsed, practiced, well thought out– as if my life was a stage, and i was merely playing a role.  every moment a delicate symphony of lies.  i had yet to truly inhabit myself, experience my life, feel- really feel the world.  i have to admit, it is perhaps the most difficult, and dare i say, bravest thing i have ever done.

with this shift in self, i have moved from scripting my life to translating it.  i am full of words.  they roll around inside my self waiting for the right moment to align them in a way that is meaningful, and when i’m lucky, perhaps also beautiful.  i think it is my gift, this desire and ability to take a moment of raw energy and have the guts to try to capture it in words.  it’s not always successful, but when it is, my heart beats slow and strong and my spirit seems to root itself further into the earth when i feel i have done that moment justice.  i let it live a little longer.  and occasionally, i get to share those words with someone else and perhaps then they too get to experience that moment for the reality and truth of what it was.

as someone who lives my life striving for accurate translation of moments, i have stumbled along something words do no justice.  it would be the greatest gift i could be given if i am simply able to spend the rest of my days helping it find its words.  but for now, i can only begin a feeble attempt:

i have fallen in love.  although i know that is how it is said, it feels wrong.  this is the opposite of falling.  love has allowed me the unique opportunity to rise, rise above myself and my fear.  if i never feel this way again, i will at least be able to hold on to this:

love is knowing oneself truly and welcoming someone to see you for who you are.  it is looking at the person you love and opening your arms to her and allowing her to feel so safe, she offers you her soul.  and because you love, admire, and respect her, you cradle it tenderly, appreciate her gift, but never take it.  you hold her and support her, but always let her have herself because she has done a beautiful job becoming who she is, and she deserves to keep becoming.  when you need something, you ask for it, knowing she will help you if she can.  you never take from her.  you hold her heart and her hand, fingers intertwined, and just know.  you don’t have to have a plan; you can simply trust.  it is impossible to not believe in what you have because it is so impurely pure.  it is so real and true that you can see each other for who you are with no judgment, no expectation.  you believe in each other in such a way, you can’t even begin to imagine how you would ever want to impose your wants on hers.  you understand that they will sometimes overlap, and other times, they will wind away from each other.  but through it all, you trust in her grip on your hand, solid and gentle.  you trust that as long as it is also right for her, she will not leave your side.  and if, for any reason, that were to change, you would support her choice to go, because you know she would do the same for you.  love is reciprocity lived.

there is nothing in the world that can prepare you for this feeling.  it hits you square in the jaw, makes your eyes water, and dares you to look it in the eye.

i guess i’m a sucker for a dare.

this experience is bigger, greater, more than i can capture in strings of letters.  i can honestly say, as i grasp for the words, that i am just so grateful for the beautiful person who has shown me this.  she has shown me a world i feared did not exist-  the elusive dream that is true love.  she has left her imprint on my soul for an eternity.  i have to believe i am better thanks to her; thanks to this.  the world brought us together, but we both made the choice to let this be.  i am proud of my choice.  people speak of love as a distraction, but i have never felt more focused; driven.  i believe there is true greatness is knowing oneself.  i think, perhaps, the only thing that exceeds it is having the rare and blessed opportunity to share that knowledge with someone who gives the same to you.

i have been searching, searching for some kind of sign.  asking, how can i know if this path is right?  where should i be going?  am i supposed to do this alone, forever?  because, i don’t know if i can.  i asked the world these questions, let go of my expectations, put out my arms, and hoped.

the answer is love.  trust me when i say, if anything can change the world, it is this.

[endless thanks to the ever-inspiring, amazing person who is the raw inspiration behind these words.  from the bottom of my heart and the depths of my being, thank you.]