however, i do think that i must have some purpose.  if i was put on this earth and in this life to simply serve myself– what good would that do?  human beings are, by nature, social creatures.  we interact with each other in a way that profoundly influences our individual experiences.  if we were to fully embrace isolatory individualism, i believe our world would quickly find its demise.  for this reason, i continually push myself into the uncomfortable position of some kind of public existence.

i realize what i know is likely not what you know.  but i find great value in discovering how we all intersect, creating a community of experiences, choices, skills, and knowledge.  even if my role in that is merely sharing my own (and only my own) truth.  i cannot assume to know my value, be it great or minuscule.  but, for me, the incalculable worth of my knowledge is much less important than the act of sharing it.  it is perhaps the greatest thing i am able to give, making it a rather important part of my experience as a human being.

what makes us a part of the world are the things we choose to share.  what we give of our selves to the collective whole– that will be our legacy.  my gift is only as great as my ability to use and share it.  if i cannot share, i may become nothing more than a waste of my potential.  and even though that would allow for a more comfortable existence for me, it would also be a shame.

so today i pick up my pen with intent to write something for you.  for you, from me.  because it is really all i am able to give.  and i hope it is enough.  even though the paper i write on and the web domain you read at are impermanent, the resonance of my soul’s words on your soul’s ears could possibly be great.  and the point of connection between the writing and the reading is what propels us all forward.

our ability and our desire to share may not be congruent, but i believe we must push ourselves to whichever end is greatest for it is possibly the very point of our being at all.  and while i cannot claim to know much, i know i am moved by a force far greater than myself.  and that i must share that which i do know in an effort to be a part of the world instead of just being apart.

i intend to fold up these words and tuck them away inside myself for the times that are most trying.  when the fear of losing what i know feels greater than the joy of gaining that which i do not.  because it is in those moments that i must remember that to participate is to live.  and i would like to be alive.

i often have to remind myself of this.  each day i am alive, i am able to learn something.  each day i am able to learn something, i am able to live.  learning takes many forms.  it can be very literal: i go to a class, a teacher passes me knowledge,  i am tested.  other times it is more figurative: i take the time on my way to a coffee shop to feel the air as it enters my body, cold and crisp in the winter; to feel my feet in my shoes, on the sturdy but broken concrete as i walk.

when i am able to achieve some kind of quiet in this loud world, i am better able to focus on what is real.  the urge to disassociate from the things that are difficult; to feign ignorance in the face of a fiercely ugly reality can be strong.  what is real can be hard to see, hard to hear, and often hard to believe.  when we pass someone on the street asking for food, we often simply shake our head and look away.  when a story is told that challenges our understanding of reality, it is easy to just dismiss it as wrong.  we may close our eyes, turn our heads, put on headphones, dig in our heels, and hang on to what we think we know.  to resist change.

change is what keeps us alive.  literally, the cells of our bodies divide, the planets shift; life moves.  stagnancy is death.  as a people, we must monitor what it is we put into the world.  does it contribute to change?  does it contribute at all?  what are we bringing into the world?  what are we leaving behind?  i strongly believe that every action and every nonaction has an effect.  the food i eat, the things i buy, where i live, what i spend my money on, who i talk to, who i vote for, what i fight for, what i think about, what i write about, what i say, what i don’t say, and how i do or don’t say it matters.

i spend a lot of time with words, reading them, writing them, thinking them, saying them.  everybody has a thing.  words are my thing.  i try to choose my words thoughtfully, in every context.  recently, i have put a lot of thought into sarcasm.  what exactly is its purpose?  how does it contribute to conversation?  with this, as with everything, my history greatly informs my understanding.  and i have a long history with sarcasm as a deflective technique.  in fact, i used to use all language defensively.  now, i am dedicated to my own truth and carefully choose my words to communicate only what is real.  it is my desire to go even further that.  i hope through practice to someday only bring words into this world that have a purpose.

i have noticed that so many people i interact with use sarcasm regularly.  some people employ it as their main form of communication.  i’m not even sure if it is actually communication.  according to the meriam webster dictionary, sarcasm is “a mode of satirical wit depending for its effect on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual.”  another definition i found, thanks to wikipedia, says sarcasm is the  “rhetorical device of using a characterization of something or someone in order to express contempt.  It is closely connected with irony, in that the two are often combined in the same statement.”  more often than not, sarcasm feels destructive.  it asserts the opposite of what is true in a tone meant to make the receiver of said comment feel inferior.   how is this okay?  and how is it that sarcasm has taken over as a main form of communication?

i use sarcasm.  but i don’t like it, not when i use it and not when other people do.  well timed wit and irony are amusing, and i definitely appreciate the variety that they add to communication.  but i wonder what we could achieve without it, if we all would just say what we mean.  think about how much more we would know about ourselves and each other.

every choice has a consequence; every action a reaction.  if my goal is to find quiet in the chaos, to learn from every moment, to welcome change, and to contribute with purpose, i need to make choices that allow for this.  i cannot know what is right for everyone, and i can only strive know what is right for me.  i want to be more real, even if it means saying less.  perhaps it is how i can say the most.