lee simply

each day is made up of innumerable moments in which i interact with the world.  recently, i have attempted to clear away the noise and resulting chaos– a constant process– in order to have the time and space to be able to listen more carefully.  the funny thing is, there are far fewer words than i expected to find.  instead, it is more a challenge for me to feel.

i am surprised, overwhelmed even, by the amount of things i experience regularly that stream into my consciousness as a series of pictures, strong emotions; gut instincts.  before i allowed myself this (occasionally frustrating) gift, my life read more like a script.  i was rehearsed, practiced, well thought out– as if my life was a stage, and i was merely playing a role.  every moment a delicate symphony of lies.  i had yet to truly inhabit myself, experience my life, feel- really feel the world.  i have to admit, it is perhaps the most difficult, and dare i say, bravest thing i have ever done.

with this shift in self, i have moved from scripting my life to translating it.  i am full of words.  they roll around inside my self waiting for the right moment to align them in a way that is meaningful, and when i’m lucky, perhaps also beautiful.  i think it is my gift, this desire and ability to take a moment of raw energy and have the guts to try to capture it in words.  it’s not always successful, but when it is, my heart beats slow and strong and my spirit seems to root itself further into the earth when i feel i have done that moment justice.  i let it live a little longer.  and occasionally, i get to share those words with someone else and perhaps then they too get to experience that moment for the reality and truth of what it was.

as someone who lives my life striving for accurate translation of moments, i have stumbled along something words do no justice.  it would be the greatest gift i could be given if i am simply able to spend the rest of my days helping it find its words.  but for now, i can only begin a feeble attempt:

i have fallen in love.  although i know that is how it is said, it feels wrong.  this is the opposite of falling.  love has allowed me the unique opportunity to rise, rise above myself and my fear.  if i never feel this way again, i will at least be able to hold on to this:

love is knowing oneself truly and welcoming someone to see you for who you are.  it is looking at the person you love and opening your arms to her and allowing her to feel so safe, she offers you her soul.  and because you love, admire, and respect her, you cradle it tenderly, appreciate her gift, but never take it.  you hold her and support her, but always let her have herself because she has done a beautiful job becoming who she is, and she deserves to keep becoming.  when you need something, you ask for it, knowing she will help you if she can.  you never take from her.  you hold her heart and her hand, fingers intertwined, and just know.  you don’t have to have a plan; you can simply trust.  it is impossible to not believe in what you have because it is so impurely pure.  it is so real and true that you can see each other for who you are with no judgment, no expectation.  you believe in each other in such a way, you can’t even begin to imagine how you would ever want to impose your wants on hers.  you understand that they will sometimes overlap, and other times, they will wind away from each other.  but through it all, you trust in her grip on your hand, solid and gentle.  you trust that as long as it is also right for her, she will not leave your side.  and if, for any reason, that were to change, you would support her choice to go, because you know she would do the same for you.  love is reciprocity lived.

there is nothing in the world that can prepare you for this feeling.  it hits you square in the jaw, makes your eyes water, and dares you to look it in the eye.

i guess i’m a sucker for a dare.

this experience is bigger, greater, more than i can capture in strings of letters.  i can honestly say, as i grasp for the words, that i am just so grateful for the beautiful person who has shown me this.  she has shown me a world i feared did not exist-  the elusive dream that is true love.  she has left her imprint on my soul for an eternity.  i have to believe i am better thanks to her; thanks to this.  the world brought us together, but we both made the choice to let this be.  i am proud of my choice.  people speak of love as a distraction, but i have never felt more focused; driven.  i believe there is true greatness is knowing oneself.  i think, perhaps, the only thing that exceeds it is having the rare and blessed opportunity to share that knowledge with someone who gives the same to you.

i have been searching, searching for some kind of sign.  asking, how can i know if this path is right?  where should i be going?  am i supposed to do this alone, forever?  because, i don’t know if i can.  i asked the world these questions, let go of my expectations, put out my arms, and hoped.

the answer is love.  trust me when i say, if anything can change the world, it is this.

[endless thanks to the ever-inspiring, amazing person who is the raw inspiration behind these words.  from the bottom of my heart and the depths of my being, thank you.]

i believe in fate.  i believe in fate, not as some pre-determined destiny; decided path; inevitable fixed truth, but instead as an ideal.  i believe in fate, by which i mean the possibility of Self.  my fate is not who i will be, already decided for me, but who i may be, who i can be, who i am capable of being.  my fate is the destiny of my best Self.  and my life is a journey in attempt to reach this ideal, to live my potential.  my destiny is the life of who i am when i am whole.  of course, life is not lived in a vacuum.  things happen, good and bad.  chance, luck, access: these things matter.  each has an impact on my ability to reach this fated goal of Self.  but, i believe the most important part of this quest is choice.

in every moment, there exists possibility.  possibility for greatness, for happiness, for wholeness.  in order to attain this, i must choose wisely in my life.  for my life is not just a string of circumstances, it is also my response to them.  circumstances will always attempt to shape me.  but equally powerful are my choices to shape them.

the history of my Self is a complex story, riddled with hurt, damage, and pain.  but equally important to my story is the healing, love, and joy.  i am not myself without both sides.  which is why i choose to look on my past with love and respect, since it has brought me to this very place.  in this moment, i am proud of who i am.  i believe in myself.  i trust in my ability to make thoughtful decisions.

if in every moment, there is a choice.  then, in every moment, to every choice, i make a decision.  i decide, in each moment, in each circumstance, in every situation, who i want to be.  do i want to live this moment striving to be my best Self?  if so, how do i need to act?  what choice must i make next if i wish to live my potential?  what must i do to lead a successful life?  i really do ask myself these questions.  and i answer them, too.

success for me is not about money, power, or fame.  it is about my ability to be whole, to share my Self, to spread light.  the metric by which i measure my success as a human being is unorthodox.  i accept the fact that i may live my entire life financially insecure, that when i die my name will likely not be printed in books, forever remembered.  but i have hope and faith in people.  and i believe, if i am able to live my life in a way that strives for my fated ideal, that my impact will be felt.  the energy i put into the world, it must reverberate in the souls of those i encounter.  the people that i meet, the relationships i build–however brief– matter.  and those experiences cannot be quantified, boiled down to numbers able to be measured.

i have a difficult time truly connecting with people because i feel it, the connection, so intensely.  i have found it easier to disconnect, to allow myself space to stay protected.  that is changing.  i am still not a particularly social person.  but for each person i meet, there is a collection of moments.  and in those moments, i have a choice.  i am able to choose not only who i wish to be, but also how i want to relate that Self to another.  i may be the best person i can be, but if i never share that Self with my world, what good is it?

i am so grateful for this evolution of my understanding.  it has allowed me a great, invaluable gift.  people surprise me, in the most beautiful way.  one of my peers and classmates, whom i have had a very difficult time understanding as we often disagree, showed her Self to our class the other day.  for our final project presentation, she made the most touching, powerful, and beautiful short film i have ever seen.  it allowed me to see her for her potential.  it allowed me to see who she Is.  i think i understand now.  and i appreciate so much her decision to bravely show her Self, and my decision to see her.  she is the same person who sometimes infuriates me.  but i have a better understanding of her whole self.  and it makes sense.  i think if we had more time in the same class, we may grow to understand each other even further.  i wish i had that time.

over the past year and a half i have been consciously working on my Self.  i have taken time to heal, to understand, and i have created a version of myself i am proud of.  but over the past year and a half, i have isolated myself.  maybe it was necessary for the work i was doing, maybe not.  but, now, in this moment, i choose to connect.  to open my arms and accept the gifts that are delivered into them.  what the world has in store for me, i cannot know.  but, i trust in my ability to choose wisely.

i believe in fate.  people are brought into my life for a reason.  and the choices i make, to connect or not are invaluable.  they decide the course of my life, the version of my Self i am able to be.  i choose to welcome love, for whatever duration it makes itself available to me.  the choices my loved ones make impact me, and the choices i make impact them reciprocally.  with each individual decision, we build together our fated paths.  from that, light inevitably shines.

[special thanks to Iele Paloumpis and Niv Acosta, my friends and neighbors, for the conversation and inspiration for this piece.]