lee simply

anything and everything i can ever know about the world will always be limited.  i could harness every ounce of my knowledge and learn everything there is for me to know, and it still would never be complete.  my knowledge can only ever be true for me.  what i learn about the world is influenced by my every experience, every choice, and every piece of knowledge previously learned.  it would be the utmost in ego to assume that anything i know would be absolutely true for anyone else.

however, i do think that i must have some purpose.  if i was put on this earth and in this life to simply serve myself– what good would that do?  human beings are, by nature, social creatures.  we interact with each other in a way that profoundly influences our individual experiences.  if we were to fully embrace isolatory individualism, i believe our world would quickly find its demise.  for this reason, i continually push myself into the uncomfortable position of some kind of public existence.

i realize what i know is likely not what you know.  but i find great value in discovering how we all intersect, creating a community of experiences, choices, skills, and knowledge.  even if my role in that is merely sharing my own (and only my own) truth.  i cannot assume to know my value, be it great or minuscule.  but, for me, the incalculable worth of my knowledge is much less important than the act of sharing it.  it is perhaps the greatest thing i am able to give, making it a rather important part of my experience as a human being.

what makes us a part of the world are the things we choose to share.  what we give of our selves to the collective whole– that will be our legacy.  my gift is only as great as my ability to use and share it.  if i cannot share, i may become nothing more than a waste of my potential.  and even though that would allow for a more comfortable existence for me, it would also be a shame.

so today i pick up my pen with intent to write something for you.  for you, from me.  because it is really all i am able to give.  and i hope it is enough.  even though the paper i write on and the web domain you read at are impermanent, the resonance of my soul’s words on your soul’s ears could possibly be great.  and the point of connection between the writing and the reading is what propels us all forward.

our ability and our desire to share may not be congruent, but i believe we must push ourselves to whichever end is greatest for it is possibly the very point of our being at all.  and while i cannot claim to know much, i know i am moved by a force far greater than myself.  and that i must share that which i do know in an effort to be a part of the world instead of just being apart.

i intend to fold up these words and tuck them away inside myself for the times that are most trying.  when the fear of losing what i know feels greater than the joy of gaining that which i do not.  because it is in those moments that i must remember that to participate is to live.  and i would like to be alive.

i believe in fate.  i believe in fate, not as some pre-determined destiny; decided path; inevitable fixed truth, but instead as an ideal.  i believe in fate, by which i mean the possibility of Self.  my fate is not who i will be, already decided for me, but who i may be, who i can be, who i am capable of being.  my fate is the destiny of my best Self.  and my life is a journey in attempt to reach this ideal, to live my potential.  my destiny is the life of who i am when i am whole.  of course, life is not lived in a vacuum.  things happen, good and bad.  chance, luck, access: these things matter.  each has an impact on my ability to reach this fated goal of Self.  but, i believe the most important part of this quest is choice.

in every moment, there exists possibility.  possibility for greatness, for happiness, for wholeness.  in order to attain this, i must choose wisely in my life.  for my life is not just a string of circumstances, it is also my response to them.  circumstances will always attempt to shape me.  but equally powerful are my choices to shape them.

the history of my Self is a complex story, riddled with hurt, damage, and pain.  but equally important to my story is the healing, love, and joy.  i am not myself without both sides.  which is why i choose to look on my past with love and respect, since it has brought me to this very place.  in this moment, i am proud of who i am.  i believe in myself.  i trust in my ability to make thoughtful decisions.

if in every moment, there is a choice.  then, in every moment, to every choice, i make a decision.  i decide, in each moment, in each circumstance, in every situation, who i want to be.  do i want to live this moment striving to be my best Self?  if so, how do i need to act?  what choice must i make next if i wish to live my potential?  what must i do to lead a successful life?  i really do ask myself these questions.  and i answer them, too.

success for me is not about money, power, or fame.  it is about my ability to be whole, to share my Self, to spread light.  the metric by which i measure my success as a human being is unorthodox.  i accept the fact that i may live my entire life financially insecure, that when i die my name will likely not be printed in books, forever remembered.  but i have hope and faith in people.  and i believe, if i am able to live my life in a way that strives for my fated ideal, that my impact will be felt.  the energy i put into the world, it must reverberate in the souls of those i encounter.  the people that i meet, the relationships i build–however brief– matter.  and those experiences cannot be quantified, boiled down to numbers able to be measured.

i have a difficult time truly connecting with people because i feel it, the connection, so intensely.  i have found it easier to disconnect, to allow myself space to stay protected.  that is changing.  i am still not a particularly social person.  but for each person i meet, there is a collection of moments.  and in those moments, i have a choice.  i am able to choose not only who i wish to be, but also how i want to relate that Self to another.  i may be the best person i can be, but if i never share that Self with my world, what good is it?

i am so grateful for this evolution of my understanding.  it has allowed me a great, invaluable gift.  people surprise me, in the most beautiful way.  one of my peers and classmates, whom i have had a very difficult time understanding as we often disagree, showed her Self to our class the other day.  for our final project presentation, she made the most touching, powerful, and beautiful short film i have ever seen.  it allowed me to see her for her potential.  it allowed me to see who she Is.  i think i understand now.  and i appreciate so much her decision to bravely show her Self, and my decision to see her.  she is the same person who sometimes infuriates me.  but i have a better understanding of her whole self.  and it makes sense.  i think if we had more time in the same class, we may grow to understand each other even further.  i wish i had that time.

over the past year and a half i have been consciously working on my Self.  i have taken time to heal, to understand, and i have created a version of myself i am proud of.  but over the past year and a half, i have isolated myself.  maybe it was necessary for the work i was doing, maybe not.  but, now, in this moment, i choose to connect.  to open my arms and accept the gifts that are delivered into them.  what the world has in store for me, i cannot know.  but, i trust in my ability to choose wisely.

i believe in fate.  people are brought into my life for a reason.  and the choices i make, to connect or not are invaluable.  they decide the course of my life, the version of my Self i am able to be.  i choose to welcome love, for whatever duration it makes itself available to me.  the choices my loved ones make impact me, and the choices i make impact them reciprocally.  with each individual decision, we build together our fated paths.  from that, light inevitably shines.

[special thanks to Iele Paloumpis and Niv Acosta, my friends and neighbors, for the conversation and inspiration for this piece.]