lee simply

each day is made up of innumerable moments in which i interact with the world.  recently, i have attempted to clear away the noise and resulting chaos– a constant process– in order to have the time and space to be able to listen more carefully.  the funny thing is, there are far fewer words than i expected to find.  instead, it is more a challenge for me to feel.

i am surprised, overwhelmed even, by the amount of things i experience regularly that stream into my consciousness as a series of pictures, strong emotions; gut instincts.  before i allowed myself this (occasionally frustrating) gift, my life read more like a script.  i was rehearsed, practiced, well thought out– as if my life was a stage, and i was merely playing a role.  every moment a delicate symphony of lies.  i had yet to truly inhabit myself, experience my life, feel- really feel the world.  i have to admit, it is perhaps the most difficult, and dare i say, bravest thing i have ever done.

with this shift in self, i have moved from scripting my life to translating it.  i am full of words.  they roll around inside my self waiting for the right moment to align them in a way that is meaningful, and when i’m lucky, perhaps also beautiful.  i think it is my gift, this desire and ability to take a moment of raw energy and have the guts to try to capture it in words.  it’s not always successful, but when it is, my heart beats slow and strong and my spirit seems to root itself further into the earth when i feel i have done that moment justice.  i let it live a little longer.  and occasionally, i get to share those words with someone else and perhaps then they too get to experience that moment for the reality and truth of what it was.

as someone who lives my life striving for accurate translation of moments, i have stumbled along something words do no justice.  it would be the greatest gift i could be given if i am simply able to spend the rest of my days helping it find its words.  but for now, i can only begin a feeble attempt:

i have fallen in love.  although i know that is how it is said, it feels wrong.  this is the opposite of falling.  love has allowed me the unique opportunity to rise, rise above myself and my fear.  if i never feel this way again, i will at least be able to hold on to this:

love is knowing oneself truly and welcoming someone to see you for who you are.  it is looking at the person you love and opening your arms to her and allowing her to feel so safe, she offers you her soul.  and because you love, admire, and respect her, you cradle it tenderly, appreciate her gift, but never take it.  you hold her and support her, but always let her have herself because she has done a beautiful job becoming who she is, and she deserves to keep becoming.  when you need something, you ask for it, knowing she will help you if she can.  you never take from her.  you hold her heart and her hand, fingers intertwined, and just know.  you don’t have to have a plan; you can simply trust.  it is impossible to not believe in what you have because it is so impurely pure.  it is so real and true that you can see each other for who you are with no judgment, no expectation.  you believe in each other in such a way, you can’t even begin to imagine how you would ever want to impose your wants on hers.  you understand that they will sometimes overlap, and other times, they will wind away from each other.  but through it all, you trust in her grip on your hand, solid and gentle.  you trust that as long as it is also right for her, she will not leave your side.  and if, for any reason, that were to change, you would support her choice to go, because you know she would do the same for you.  love is reciprocity lived.

there is nothing in the world that can prepare you for this feeling.  it hits you square in the jaw, makes your eyes water, and dares you to look it in the eye.

i guess i’m a sucker for a dare.

this experience is bigger, greater, more than i can capture in strings of letters.  i can honestly say, as i grasp for the words, that i am just so grateful for the beautiful person who has shown me this.  she has shown me a world i feared did not exist-  the elusive dream that is true love.  she has left her imprint on my soul for an eternity.  i have to believe i am better thanks to her; thanks to this.  the world brought us together, but we both made the choice to let this be.  i am proud of my choice.  people speak of love as a distraction, but i have never felt more focused; driven.  i believe there is true greatness is knowing oneself.  i think, perhaps, the only thing that exceeds it is having the rare and blessed opportunity to share that knowledge with someone who gives the same to you.

i have been searching, searching for some kind of sign.  asking, how can i know if this path is right?  where should i be going?  am i supposed to do this alone, forever?  because, i don’t know if i can.  i asked the world these questions, let go of my expectations, put out my arms, and hoped.

the answer is love.  trust me when i say, if anything can change the world, it is this.

[endless thanks to the ever-inspiring, amazing person who is the raw inspiration behind these words.  from the bottom of my heart and the depths of my being, thank you.]

if you haven’t already, you should watch the video above because it is what frames this post.

i’m in college, trying to get my undergraduate degree.  the majority of my classmates are 18-21 and i’m 25.  not a huge age difference, but a noticeable one when you’ve been on your own for 8 years.  college small talk consists of a few standbys “so, do you like this class?”  “how’d you do on that test?” and the most used, “what’s your major?” which is often followed up with “what do you want to be?”  one of the things i love so much about school is that it gives me the opportunity to interact with folks i normally wouldn’t know.  it’s a very special environment, ripe with knowledge.

now, i’m in school because i want to be.  i love it.  i had to drop out at 19 and practically counted the days until i was able to get back to school.  5 years later, i’m doing it.  and i’m very proud of that.  but i cannot even begin to tell you how many people do not want to be in school.  or the people who are there just because they feel they should be.  i’m not counting the people i assume this is true for because of their classroom antics.  i’m talking about folks that i have conversations with.  some of my “school friends” (you know the people you are friends with at school, but only know there) are like this.

if you were to pose this question, “why are you here?” to a class of 150 students, i would be scared to see the results.  i believe the majority, probably overwhelmingly would say things like, “i don’t know,” “to get a good job,” “to make money,” “because my mom made me,” etc.  i hear people honestly say they are in college because it is what their parents want.  these are adults, mind you.  now, i understand familial and societal pressure is no joke.  it can make people live their whole lives insincerely.

i used to hang out with this girl in my English class last semester.  it was freshman english, so everyone else in my class was 18, including her.  she’s insanely smart.  very warm-hearted.  i’m sure she could be anything.  she told me she already hates her major, in her second semester of college.  i told her she should change it!  shoot, i’m on my 6th major.  but look at me, at least i’m happy!  she said she didn’t see the point since she doesn’t know what to change it to.  so i asked her to imagine with me.  i said, alright, well, what do you love?  if you could do anything what would it be?  she didn’t know.  i asked a beautiful, intelligent, successful 18 year old what she loved, and she just looked at me blankly.  it broke my heart.

what are our schools doing?  who are they creating?  it seems to me we’re are simply churning out workers.  people go to college not to learn, but to get a degree, a piece of paper, to ensure that they make more money at a job.  think about it.  how could our world be different if people did what they love?  if we had a society that allowed each of us to figure out what that is!  imagine if we were encouraged to follow our hearts.  if we were taught to learn because it made us better people.  imagine if we stopped putting education on a pedestal.  a pedestal only meant for certain people.  imagine if we had education that taught people not just to think, but to be better at whatever they love, at whatever they want to do…thinking or not.  imagine if our schools taught us how to better versions of ourselves.  Du Bois says schools should not just make workers and thinkers, but they should make men.  now, that was in 1903.  today, i would say, schools should make humans.  when i say that, i mean people in touch with humanity.  we are a lost people.  our society creates masses of workers out of touch with themselves and calls that process education.  that is not education.  that is the crushing of our humanity, of our Self, of our Soul.

it has to change.  we have to change it.  our people, ourselves, we need to change.  do you see it?  take a minute.  really, close your eyes.  just picture it…imagine our current reality.  let yourself go there.  feel it.  it hurts.  our people, our country is hurting.  we are out of touch with our needs, with the needs of our communities.  we have lost our connection to our land and to our people.  it’s time to change.  to evolve.  to rediscover what is right, and good, and real.  it is a long process that begins with one simple decision.  to be a part of the solution.  it’s just a choice.

what do you choose?

i have had several events this week that have left me feeling like the odd person out.  it’s a space i often occupy.  but each situation holds its own distinct lesson.  weaving them all together to bring clarity into my life (and this blog) is the difficult part.

the other day i was having a conversation with my dear friend.  we were talking about friendship and what we want and need from our friends.  i’m kind of known for having insanely high standards for my friendships, or more accurately, for everything.  myself included.  i spent some time explaining how it may seem like i’m a crazy friendless loner.  but the people i do choose to have in my life mean the world to me.  what outsiders may see as intensity, i see as sincerity.  because i am an intense person.  if i don’t make some kind of impact, i’m probably holding back.  which can mean any number of things: i feel threatened, i don’t trust you, i don’t see how the interaction would be productive, etc.  this way of interacting with the world asks a great deal of me and the people in my life.  but in return, i have the most fulfilling relationships with everyone i interact with.  and, i think that’s pretty freakin huge.  i love it.  so i do it.  even though i have to sacrifice a lot.  [remember the blog "feeling the world"?  same deal.]

so after explaining all of this, my wonderful friend looked me dead in the eye and asked very seriously, “how long have you been this way?”  it made a laugh.  not very long.  long enough.  you know, any amount of time is a gift, and i’m grateful i’ve started.  but something that struck me was that i am definitely in the minority.  i told her a story about how i made the conscious decision to lie last week.  i did it mostly because i knew it made the person i was lying to feel better about the situation.  it was a very small lie.  it involved the explanation of one of my many facial expressions.  the woman i lied to had already decided what my “look” had meant.  so i just let her believe it.  cause it didn’t really matter and didn’t hurt anyone.  it did misrepresent me, but in such a minuscule way…i just let it slide.  and as i told my friend, this was the first time i have consciously lied in a very long time.  in fact, i can’t remember the last time.  i’m guessing a few months, but possibly longer.  i am much more likely to bite my tongue than to lie.  because it goes against who i like to be.  but i think most people lie pretty regularly.  at least on a small, “white lie” basis.  the way i interact with the world, while wholly gratifying, can feel somewhat isolating.  i feel like i’m on the outside of so many different worlds in almost every interaction i have.  it’s a very odd space to occupy.

here’s another story:  in my Intellectual Heritage/Mosaic I (yes, they really call it that) class, we had a very heated debate.  the topic started out with the Phillies, the Philadelphia major league baseball team.  i made some comment about how i thought it was ridiculous that the city spent so much money on this baseball team when it can’t even afford to keep its libraries open.  and BAM!  we were off.  this, of course, began a conversation about capitalism.  at one point, one of my classmates looked at me and said with disdain, “if you don’t like it, why don’t you go somewhere else?!”  is he joking?  go where?  to the magical part of the world where everyone is nice and resources are distributed equally and people are free.  oh right, that place doesn’t exist!  and even if it did, should i abandon my country, the place that i was born and raised and love, because i think america can be improved?  i should hope not.  this country is the great nation it is today because people have dared to make it that way.  we have come a long way.  and we have a hell of a long way to go.  i love my country enough to want to change it.  make it better.  help free, feed, shelter, and care for my country’s people.  i think we should want more people like that in our country.  not less.

later in this discussion, another one of my classmates voiced her opinions about WEB Du Bois.  in class, we’re reading Souls of Black Folk– a powerful and beautiful book.  she had the gall to call Du Bois a racist assimilationist who didn’t do enough for black people.  and i swear, i practically had to pick my jaw up off the floor.  i was just astonished that anyone would make such accusations.  so, i did what i always do.  i went to bat.  i said everything i could.  i wish that i could have been calmer.  but i was heated.  i was truly heated.  after so clearly being 1 against many in the capitalism conversation, i went straight into being that white girl who “plays the race card”.  i’ll be honest it was an exhausting class.

i am in school because i love it.  knowledge feeds my spirit.  it fills me up.  and i realize how great a gift it is for me to be in school.  so, in all of my classes, i give it my all.  i openly discuss my beliefs and opinions about things.  especially about race.  this is both a gift and a curse.  i think that some of my white classmates feel like i’m on the wrong side.  i see them look differently at me.  i think they see me as a race traitor.  but then, when i leave my classes and just walk around– no one knows my beliefs.  all kinds of people make all kinds of assumptions about me (to be fair, i do the same to them).  i think that is a perfect example of white privilege.  my beliefs are inside me.  no one can tell just by looking at me that i am anti-racist.

it leaves me feeling out of place with my white peers.  and also out of place with my peers of color.  it’s a whole other story off campus.  i live in west philadelphia, just beyond “Univeristy City” (a marketing ploy to sell gentrification and make rich white parents feel better about sending their children off to west philly in the blocks surrounding UPENN).  i live just one block away from 52nd street, a predominately black business street.  i love my neighborhood.  it is beautiful, the people are amazing, and i wouldn’t want to live anywhere else in the city.  i laugh when people ask if i feel safe here.  yes.  i feel safe here.  this is my home.  i feel safer here than i do in my predominately white upper middle class neighborhood back in michigan.

today for lunch, i went across the street up to 52nd to grab some food.  it was lunchtime, and the corner store was packed.  i was the only white person in the whole store.  some of the men getting lunch looked at me like, who is this white girl?  you know, i wonder the same thing sometimes.  it made me wish there was some kind of secret handshake or codeword that i could work to earn so that i could somehow prove that i’m not a crappy white person.  but i suppose that would be too easy.  i’ve just got to stick around, say hello, prove myself everyday.

this life isn’t easy.  most of the time i feel alone, out of place, isolated.  but amazingly, at the same time i am the happiest i’ve ever been.  and i know i am doing exactly what i’m meant to do.  i wish i had a word to explain it.  a way to make myself make sense.  but i have always walked on the outside, in-between, and where it is forbidden.  it’s who i am.  and i am proud of that.

care for a video blog as well?  check it out…

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i used to walk through my world defensive: walls up, proverbial fists raised, ready to react to any potential threat.  i am a successful survivor.  i am incredibly skilled at faking it.  hand me a difficult situation, and i promise you’ll never know it if i don’t want you to.  my life has given me the gift of these skills.  and i am grateful for them.  but, i can attest that successful survival does not lead to happiness.  it is coping.  and only that.  coping saves lives.  but it is a partial existence.  i made a conscious decision to stop coping and start living my life a year and a half ago.  and so far i know this: that is not enough time to have it all figured out.

defensiveness dulled my senses.  i knew how to fake it, fight, flee, and fall apart.  i’m sure the folks reading this who know me can attest to this truth.  re-introducing myself to the world has been no easy feat.  it means that i have to make some sacrifices.  i’m no longer good at doing things half way.  i don’t bs people.  i don’t bs myself.  i say what I mean, i express what i feel, and i do what i can.  i can’t just flip on my survival skills when things get hard.  and flip it back when things ease up.  i’m in this project for the long haul.  when you begin to let yourself feel, there is no eject button to push when it gets hard.  you either do it, or you don’t.  so, i do it.

as a result, i am the happiest i have ever been in my life.  now, maybe you think it’s crazy that it’s taken me so long.  but, tell me, how many people do you know who are honestly happy?  i only know a few.  including myself.  of course, i still have plenty of work to do.  but, i think i made the right choice.

by allowing myself to inhabit the world completely, i am able to experience a brilliant spectrum of emotions.  eighty-five percent of the time, i am filled with joy and love and am so thankful for every second i get to spend on this precious earth.  the other fifteen percent can be a little harder.  i am more sensitive (and this is saying something!) than before.  when i’m upset, i am really upset.  when i am afraid, i am very afraid.  when i am hurt, it really hurts.  the dullness has been replaced with sharp sometimes jagged emotions.

i laugh with all of my self.  i smile from my spirit.  i love in a way i have never experienced before.  all of this sounds great, i’m sure.  but, i also jump at loud sounds.  i have a hard time being polite when people are rude.  i cry when i am upset or sad or frustrated.  what has taken great strength for me to achieve probably looks like weakness most of the time.  and, i accept that.

for example, yesterday, during an exam, i started crying.  no joke.  me, in class, exam in hand, crying.  not a pretty picture.  it was one of the few times i wished i could switch my new emotional world off.  mostly because it was embarrassing.  i was upset, frustrated, and really disappointed.

school is what i do.  i love to learn.  i live for it.  knowledge feeds my spirit.  i’ve worked very hard to be back at school.  i am walking a very fine line financially to be here.  my greatest fear is that i won’t be able to continue to afford to stay enrolled.  i know how it feels to drop out; i never want to experience that again.  i’ll be honest, the fear is sometimes paralyzing.

i remember all too vividly how it feels to be empty.  to simply survive everyday.  to be broke and broken.  to go without food.  without heat.  without health care.  to live without passion.  without purpose.  believe me, i realize how incredibly blessed i am right now.  to be doing what i love.  to have access to so many things that i need and want.  but i’m smart enough to not get too comfortable.  so, when one of my classmates asked me, “what’s wrong?”  all i could say was, “i have to get an A on this test.”  i realize that probably sounded shallow and silly.  but there is always a story.

my life is a work in progress.  i have taken a great risk by allowing myself to be happy.  i have taken control by letting it go.  it takes great strength to allow yourself weakness.  to confront one’s demons and demand autonomy is scary and breathtaking and brilliant.  to feel the world is a remarkable gift.  and a challenge worth accepting.