lee simply

anything and everything i can ever know about the world will always be limited.  i could harness every ounce of my knowledge and learn everything there is for me to know, and it still would never be complete.  my knowledge can only ever be true for me.  what i learn about the world is influenced by my every experience, every choice, and every piece of knowledge previously learned.  it would be the utmost in ego to assume that anything i know would be absolutely true for anyone else.

however, i do think that i must have some purpose.  if i was put on this earth and in this life to simply serve myself– what good would that do?  human beings are, by nature, social creatures.  we interact with each other in a way that profoundly influences our individual experiences.  if we were to fully embrace isolatory individualism, i believe our world would quickly find its demise.  for this reason, i continually push myself into the uncomfortable position of some kind of public existence.

i realize what i know is likely not what you know.  but i find great value in discovering how we all intersect, creating a community of experiences, choices, skills, and knowledge.  even if my role in that is merely sharing my own (and only my own) truth.  i cannot assume to know my value, be it great or minuscule.  but, for me, the incalculable worth of my knowledge is much less important than the act of sharing it.  it is perhaps the greatest thing i am able to give, making it a rather important part of my experience as a human being.

what makes us a part of the world are the things we choose to share.  what we give of our selves to the collective whole– that will be our legacy.  my gift is only as great as my ability to use and share it.  if i cannot share, i may become nothing more than a waste of my potential.  and even though that would allow for a more comfortable existence for me, it would also be a shame.

so today i pick up my pen with intent to write something for you.  for you, from me.  because it is really all i am able to give.  and i hope it is enough.  even though the paper i write on and the web domain you read at are impermanent, the resonance of my soul’s words on your soul’s ears could possibly be great.  and the point of connection between the writing and the reading is what propels us all forward.

our ability and our desire to share may not be congruent, but i believe we must push ourselves to whichever end is greatest for it is possibly the very point of our being at all.  and while i cannot claim to know much, i know i am moved by a force far greater than myself.  and that i must share that which i do know in an effort to be a part of the world instead of just being apart.

i intend to fold up these words and tuck them away inside myself for the times that are most trying.  when the fear of losing what i know feels greater than the joy of gaining that which i do not.  because it is in those moments that i must remember that to participate is to live.  and i would like to be alive.

each day is made up of innumerable moments in which i interact with the world.  recently, i have attempted to clear away the noise and resulting chaos– a constant process– in order to have the time and space to be able to listen more carefully.  the funny thing is, there are far fewer words than i expected to find.  instead, it is more a challenge for me to feel.

i am surprised, overwhelmed even, by the amount of things i experience regularly that stream into my consciousness as a series of pictures, strong emotions; gut instincts.  before i allowed myself this (occasionally frustrating) gift, my life read more like a script.  i was rehearsed, practiced, well thought out– as if my life was a stage, and i was merely playing a role.  every moment a delicate symphony of lies.  i had yet to truly inhabit myself, experience my life, feel- really feel the world.  i have to admit, it is perhaps the most difficult, and dare i say, bravest thing i have ever done.

with this shift in self, i have moved from scripting my life to translating it.  i am full of words.  they roll around inside my self waiting for the right moment to align them in a way that is meaningful, and when i’m lucky, perhaps also beautiful.  i think it is my gift, this desire and ability to take a moment of raw energy and have the guts to try to capture it in words.  it’s not always successful, but when it is, my heart beats slow and strong and my spirit seems to root itself further into the earth when i feel i have done that moment justice.  i let it live a little longer.  and occasionally, i get to share those words with someone else and perhaps then they too get to experience that moment for the reality and truth of what it was.

as someone who lives my life striving for accurate translation of moments, i have stumbled along something words do no justice.  it would be the greatest gift i could be given if i am simply able to spend the rest of my days helping it find its words.  but for now, i can only begin a feeble attempt:

i have fallen in love.  although i know that is how it is said, it feels wrong.  this is the opposite of falling.  love has allowed me the unique opportunity to rise, rise above myself and my fear.  if i never feel this way again, i will at least be able to hold on to this:

love is knowing oneself truly and welcoming someone to see you for who you are.  it is looking at the person you love and opening your arms to her and allowing her to feel so safe, she offers you her soul.  and because you love, admire, and respect her, you cradle it tenderly, appreciate her gift, but never take it.  you hold her and support her, but always let her have herself because she has done a beautiful job becoming who she is, and she deserves to keep becoming.  when you need something, you ask for it, knowing she will help you if she can.  you never take from her.  you hold her heart and her hand, fingers intertwined, and just know.  you don’t have to have a plan; you can simply trust.  it is impossible to not believe in what you have because it is so impurely pure.  it is so real and true that you can see each other for who you are with no judgment, no expectation.  you believe in each other in such a way, you can’t even begin to imagine how you would ever want to impose your wants on hers.  you understand that they will sometimes overlap, and other times, they will wind away from each other.  but through it all, you trust in her grip on your hand, solid and gentle.  you trust that as long as it is also right for her, she will not leave your side.  and if, for any reason, that were to change, you would support her choice to go, because you know she would do the same for you.  love is reciprocity lived.

there is nothing in the world that can prepare you for this feeling.  it hits you square in the jaw, makes your eyes water, and dares you to look it in the eye.

i guess i’m a sucker for a dare.

this experience is bigger, greater, more than i can capture in strings of letters.  i can honestly say, as i grasp for the words, that i am just so grateful for the beautiful person who has shown me this.  she has shown me a world i feared did not exist-  the elusive dream that is true love.  she has left her imprint on my soul for an eternity.  i have to believe i am better thanks to her; thanks to this.  the world brought us together, but we both made the choice to let this be.  i am proud of my choice.  people speak of love as a distraction, but i have never felt more focused; driven.  i believe there is true greatness is knowing oneself.  i think, perhaps, the only thing that exceeds it is having the rare and blessed opportunity to share that knowledge with someone who gives the same to you.

i have been searching, searching for some kind of sign.  asking, how can i know if this path is right?  where should i be going?  am i supposed to do this alone, forever?  because, i don’t know if i can.  i asked the world these questions, let go of my expectations, put out my arms, and hoped.

the answer is love.  trust me when i say, if anything can change the world, it is this.

[endless thanks to the ever-inspiring, amazing person who is the raw inspiration behind these words.  from the bottom of my heart and the depths of my being, thank you.]

i believe in fate.  i believe in fate, not as some pre-determined destiny; decided path; inevitable fixed truth, but instead as an ideal.  i believe in fate, by which i mean the possibility of Self.  my fate is not who i will be, already decided for me, but who i may be, who i can be, who i am capable of being.  my fate is the destiny of my best Self.  and my life is a journey in attempt to reach this ideal, to live my potential.  my destiny is the life of who i am when i am whole.  of course, life is not lived in a vacuum.  things happen, good and bad.  chance, luck, access: these things matter.  each has an impact on my ability to reach this fated goal of Self.  but, i believe the most important part of this quest is choice.

in every moment, there exists possibility.  possibility for greatness, for happiness, for wholeness.  in order to attain this, i must choose wisely in my life.  for my life is not just a string of circumstances, it is also my response to them.  circumstances will always attempt to shape me.  but equally powerful are my choices to shape them.

the history of my Self is a complex story, riddled with hurt, damage, and pain.  but equally important to my story is the healing, love, and joy.  i am not myself without both sides.  which is why i choose to look on my past with love and respect, since it has brought me to this very place.  in this moment, i am proud of who i am.  i believe in myself.  i trust in my ability to make thoughtful decisions.

if in every moment, there is a choice.  then, in every moment, to every choice, i make a decision.  i decide, in each moment, in each circumstance, in every situation, who i want to be.  do i want to live this moment striving to be my best Self?  if so, how do i need to act?  what choice must i make next if i wish to live my potential?  what must i do to lead a successful life?  i really do ask myself these questions.  and i answer them, too.

success for me is not about money, power, or fame.  it is about my ability to be whole, to share my Self, to spread light.  the metric by which i measure my success as a human being is unorthodox.  i accept the fact that i may live my entire life financially insecure, that when i die my name will likely not be printed in books, forever remembered.  but i have hope and faith in people.  and i believe, if i am able to live my life in a way that strives for my fated ideal, that my impact will be felt.  the energy i put into the world, it must reverberate in the souls of those i encounter.  the people that i meet, the relationships i build–however brief– matter.  and those experiences cannot be quantified, boiled down to numbers able to be measured.

i have a difficult time truly connecting with people because i feel it, the connection, so intensely.  i have found it easier to disconnect, to allow myself space to stay protected.  that is changing.  i am still not a particularly social person.  but for each person i meet, there is a collection of moments.  and in those moments, i have a choice.  i am able to choose not only who i wish to be, but also how i want to relate that Self to another.  i may be the best person i can be, but if i never share that Self with my world, what good is it?

i am so grateful for this evolution of my understanding.  it has allowed me a great, invaluable gift.  people surprise me, in the most beautiful way.  one of my peers and classmates, whom i have had a very difficult time understanding as we often disagree, showed her Self to our class the other day.  for our final project presentation, she made the most touching, powerful, and beautiful short film i have ever seen.  it allowed me to see her for her potential.  it allowed me to see who she Is.  i think i understand now.  and i appreciate so much her decision to bravely show her Self, and my decision to see her.  she is the same person who sometimes infuriates me.  but i have a better understanding of her whole self.  and it makes sense.  i think if we had more time in the same class, we may grow to understand each other even further.  i wish i had that time.

over the past year and a half i have been consciously working on my Self.  i have taken time to heal, to understand, and i have created a version of myself i am proud of.  but over the past year and a half, i have isolated myself.  maybe it was necessary for the work i was doing, maybe not.  but, now, in this moment, i choose to connect.  to open my arms and accept the gifts that are delivered into them.  what the world has in store for me, i cannot know.  but, i trust in my ability to choose wisely.

i believe in fate.  people are brought into my life for a reason.  and the choices i make, to connect or not are invaluable.  they decide the course of my life, the version of my Self i am able to be.  i choose to welcome love, for whatever duration it makes itself available to me.  the choices my loved ones make impact me, and the choices i make impact them reciprocally.  with each individual decision, we build together our fated paths.  from that, light inevitably shines.

[special thanks to Iele Paloumpis and Niv Acosta, my friends and neighbors, for the conversation and inspiration for this piece.]

if you haven’t already, you should watch the video above because it is what frames this post.

i’m in college, trying to get my undergraduate degree.  the majority of my classmates are 18-21 and i’m 25.  not a huge age difference, but a noticeable one when you’ve been on your own for 8 years.  college small talk consists of a few standbys “so, do you like this class?”  “how’d you do on that test?” and the most used, “what’s your major?” which is often followed up with “what do you want to be?”  one of the things i love so much about school is that it gives me the opportunity to interact with folks i normally wouldn’t know.  it’s a very special environment, ripe with knowledge.

now, i’m in school because i want to be.  i love it.  i had to drop out at 19 and practically counted the days until i was able to get back to school.  5 years later, i’m doing it.  and i’m very proud of that.  but i cannot even begin to tell you how many people do not want to be in school.  or the people who are there just because they feel they should be.  i’m not counting the people i assume this is true for because of their classroom antics.  i’m talking about folks that i have conversations with.  some of my “school friends” (you know the people you are friends with at school, but only know there) are like this.

if you were to pose this question, “why are you here?” to a class of 150 students, i would be scared to see the results.  i believe the majority, probably overwhelmingly would say things like, “i don’t know,” “to get a good job,” “to make money,” “because my mom made me,” etc.  i hear people honestly say they are in college because it is what their parents want.  these are adults, mind you.  now, i understand familial and societal pressure is no joke.  it can make people live their whole lives insincerely.

i used to hang out with this girl in my English class last semester.  it was freshman english, so everyone else in my class was 18, including her.  she’s insanely smart.  very warm-hearted.  i’m sure she could be anything.  she told me she already hates her major, in her second semester of college.  i told her she should change it!  shoot, i’m on my 6th major.  but look at me, at least i’m happy!  she said she didn’t see the point since she doesn’t know what to change it to.  so i asked her to imagine with me.  i said, alright, well, what do you love?  if you could do anything what would it be?  she didn’t know.  i asked a beautiful, intelligent, successful 18 year old what she loved, and she just looked at me blankly.  it broke my heart.

what are our schools doing?  who are they creating?  it seems to me we’re are simply churning out workers.  people go to college not to learn, but to get a degree, a piece of paper, to ensure that they make more money at a job.  think about it.  how could our world be different if people did what they love?  if we had a society that allowed each of us to figure out what that is!  imagine if we were encouraged to follow our hearts.  if we were taught to learn because it made us better people.  imagine if we stopped putting education on a pedestal.  a pedestal only meant for certain people.  imagine if we had education that taught people not just to think, but to be better at whatever they love, at whatever they want to do…thinking or not.  imagine if our schools taught us how to better versions of ourselves.  Du Bois says schools should not just make workers and thinkers, but they should make men.  now, that was in 1903.  today, i would say, schools should make humans.  when i say that, i mean people in touch with humanity.  we are a lost people.  our society creates masses of workers out of touch with themselves and calls that process education.  that is not education.  that is the crushing of our humanity, of our Self, of our Soul.

it has to change.  we have to change it.  our people, ourselves, we need to change.  do you see it?  take a minute.  really, close your eyes.  just picture it…imagine our current reality.  let yourself go there.  feel it.  it hurts.  our people, our country is hurting.  we are out of touch with our needs, with the needs of our communities.  we have lost our connection to our land and to our people.  it’s time to change.  to evolve.  to rediscover what is right, and good, and real.  it is a long process that begins with one simple decision.  to be a part of the solution.  it’s just a choice.

what do you choose?