lee simply

there is a depth of quiet i am constantly striving to achieve each day.  some days, i make choices that allow me another step toward this goal.  and other days, i make choices that add to the chaos.  the world is loud; it offers distraction at every turn.  we are all susceptible to it.  we must simply adapt; evolve to accept the fast pace and loud environment, and most importantly, learn to move slowly through it.  i am by no means masterful at this art.  i am merely a student in the world, learning from every experience.  i try to soak in the lessons, absorb them into my spirit so i can rely on them when times are hard.

i often have to remind myself of this.  each day i am alive, i am able to learn something.  each day i am able to learn something, i am able to live.  learning takes many forms.  it can be very literal: i go to a class, a teacher passes me knowledge,  i am tested.  other times it is more figurative: i take the time on my way to a coffee shop to feel the air as it enters my body, cold and crisp in the winter; to feel my feet in my shoes, on the sturdy but broken concrete as i walk.

when i am able to achieve some kind of quiet in this loud world, i am better able to focus on what is real.  the urge to disassociate from the things that are difficult; to feign ignorance in the face of a fiercely ugly reality can be strong.  what is real can be hard to see, hard to hear, and often hard to believe.  when we pass someone on the street asking for food, we often simply shake our head and look away.  when a story is told that challenges our understanding of reality, it is easy to just dismiss it as wrong.  we may close our eyes, turn our heads, put on headphones, dig in our heels, and hang on to what we think we know.  to resist change.

change is what keeps us alive.  literally, the cells of our bodies divide, the planets shift; life moves.  stagnancy is death.  as a people, we must monitor what it is we put into the world.  does it contribute to change?  does it contribute at all?  what are we bringing into the world?  what are we leaving behind?  i strongly believe that every action and every nonaction has an effect.  the food i eat, the things i buy, where i live, what i spend my money on, who i talk to, who i vote for, what i fight for, what i think about, what i write about, what i say, what i don’t say, and how i do or don’t say it matters.

i spend a lot of time with words, reading them, writing them, thinking them, saying them.  everybody has a thing.  words are my thing.  i try to choose my words thoughtfully, in every context.  recently, i have put a lot of thought into sarcasm.  what exactly is its purpose?  how does it contribute to conversation?  with this, as with everything, my history greatly informs my understanding.  and i have a long history with sarcasm as a deflective technique.  in fact, i used to use all language defensively.  now, i am dedicated to my own truth and carefully choose my words to communicate only what is real.  it is my desire to go even further that.  i hope through practice to someday only bring words into this world that have a purpose.

i have noticed that so many people i interact with use sarcasm regularly.  some people employ it as their main form of communication.  i’m not even sure if it is actually communication.  according to the meriam webster dictionary, sarcasm is “a mode of satirical wit depending for its effect on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual.”  another definition i found, thanks to wikipedia, says sarcasm is the  “rhetorical device of using a characterization of something or someone in order to express contempt.  It is closely connected with irony, in that the two are often combined in the same statement.”  more often than not, sarcasm feels destructive.  it asserts the opposite of what is true in a tone meant to make the receiver of said comment feel inferior.   how is this okay?  and how is it that sarcasm has taken over as a main form of communication?

i use sarcasm.  but i don’t like it, not when i use it and not when other people do.  well timed wit and irony are amusing, and i definitely appreciate the variety that they add to communication.  but i wonder what we could achieve without it, if we all would just say what we mean.  think about how much more we would know about ourselves and each other.

every choice has a consequence; every action a reaction.  if my goal is to find quiet in the chaos, to learn from every moment, to welcome change, and to contribute with purpose, i need to make choices that allow for this.  i cannot know what is right for everyone, and i can only strive know what is right for me.  i want to be more real, even if it means saying less.  perhaps it is how i can say the most.

i believe in fate.  i believe in fate, not as some pre-determined destiny; decided path; inevitable fixed truth, but instead as an ideal.  i believe in fate, by which i mean the possibility of Self.  my fate is not who i will be, already decided for me, but who i may be, who i can be, who i am capable of being.  my fate is the destiny of my best Self.  and my life is a journey in attempt to reach this ideal, to live my potential.  my destiny is the life of who i am when i am whole.  of course, life is not lived in a vacuum.  things happen, good and bad.  chance, luck, access: these things matter.  each has an impact on my ability to reach this fated goal of Self.  but, i believe the most important part of this quest is choice.

in every moment, there exists possibility.  possibility for greatness, for happiness, for wholeness.  in order to attain this, i must choose wisely in my life.  for my life is not just a string of circumstances, it is also my response to them.  circumstances will always attempt to shape me.  but equally powerful are my choices to shape them.

the history of my Self is a complex story, riddled with hurt, damage, and pain.  but equally important to my story is the healing, love, and joy.  i am not myself without both sides.  which is why i choose to look on my past with love and respect, since it has brought me to this very place.  in this moment, i am proud of who i am.  i believe in myself.  i trust in my ability to make thoughtful decisions.

if in every moment, there is a choice.  then, in every moment, to every choice, i make a decision.  i decide, in each moment, in each circumstance, in every situation, who i want to be.  do i want to live this moment striving to be my best Self?  if so, how do i need to act?  what choice must i make next if i wish to live my potential?  what must i do to lead a successful life?  i really do ask myself these questions.  and i answer them, too.

success for me is not about money, power, or fame.  it is about my ability to be whole, to share my Self, to spread light.  the metric by which i measure my success as a human being is unorthodox.  i accept the fact that i may live my entire life financially insecure, that when i die my name will likely not be printed in books, forever remembered.  but i have hope and faith in people.  and i believe, if i am able to live my life in a way that strives for my fated ideal, that my impact will be felt.  the energy i put into the world, it must reverberate in the souls of those i encounter.  the people that i meet, the relationships i build–however brief– matter.  and those experiences cannot be quantified, boiled down to numbers able to be measured.

i have a difficult time truly connecting with people because i feel it, the connection, so intensely.  i have found it easier to disconnect, to allow myself space to stay protected.  that is changing.  i am still not a particularly social person.  but for each person i meet, there is a collection of moments.  and in those moments, i have a choice.  i am able to choose not only who i wish to be, but also how i want to relate that Self to another.  i may be the best person i can be, but if i never share that Self with my world, what good is it?

i am so grateful for this evolution of my understanding.  it has allowed me a great, invaluable gift.  people surprise me, in the most beautiful way.  one of my peers and classmates, whom i have had a very difficult time understanding as we often disagree, showed her Self to our class the other day.  for our final project presentation, she made the most touching, powerful, and beautiful short film i have ever seen.  it allowed me to see her for her potential.  it allowed me to see who she Is.  i think i understand now.  and i appreciate so much her decision to bravely show her Self, and my decision to see her.  she is the same person who sometimes infuriates me.  but i have a better understanding of her whole self.  and it makes sense.  i think if we had more time in the same class, we may grow to understand each other even further.  i wish i had that time.

over the past year and a half i have been consciously working on my Self.  i have taken time to heal, to understand, and i have created a version of myself i am proud of.  but over the past year and a half, i have isolated myself.  maybe it was necessary for the work i was doing, maybe not.  but, now, in this moment, i choose to connect.  to open my arms and accept the gifts that are delivered into them.  what the world has in store for me, i cannot know.  but, i trust in my ability to choose wisely.

i believe in fate.  people are brought into my life for a reason.  and the choices i make, to connect or not are invaluable.  they decide the course of my life, the version of my Self i am able to be.  i choose to welcome love, for whatever duration it makes itself available to me.  the choices my loved ones make impact me, and the choices i make impact them reciprocally.  with each individual decision, we build together our fated paths.  from that, light inevitably shines.

[special thanks to Iele Paloumpis and Niv Acosta, my friends and neighbors, for the conversation and inspiration for this piece.]