feeling the world

i used to walk through my world defensive: walls up, proverbial fists raised, ready to react to any potential threat.  i am a successful survivor.  i am incredibly skilled at faking it.  hand me a difficult situation, and i promise you’ll never know it if i don’t want you to.  my life has given me the gift of these skills.  and i am grateful for them.  but, i can attest that successful survival does not lead to happiness.  it is coping.  and only that.  coping saves lives.  but it is a partial existence.  i made a conscious decision to stop coping and start living my life a year and a half ago.  and so far i know this: that is not enough time to have it all figured out.

defensiveness dulled my senses.  i knew how to fake it, fight, flee, and fall apart.  i’m sure the folks reading this who know me can attest to this truth.  re-introducing myself to the world has been no easy feat.  it means that i have to make some sacrifices.  i’m no longer good at doing things half way.  i don’t bs people.  i don’t bs myself.  i say what I mean, i express what i feel, and i do what i can.  i can’t just flip on my survival skills when things get hard.  and flip it back when things ease up.  i’m in this project for the long haul.  when you begin to let yourself feel, there is no eject button to push when it gets hard.  you either do it, or you don’t.  so, i do it.

as a result, i am the happiest i have ever been in my life.  now, maybe you think it’s crazy that it’s taken me so long.  but, tell me, how many people do you know who are honestly happy?  i only know a few.  including myself.  of course, i still have plenty of work to do.  but, i think i made the right choice.

by allowing myself to inhabit the world completely, i am able to experience a brilliant spectrum of emotions.  eighty-five percent of the time, i am filled with joy and love and am so thankful for every second i get to spend on this precious earth.  the other fifteen percent can be a little harder.  i am more sensitive (and this is saying something!) than before.  when i’m upset, i am really upset.  when i am afraid, i am very afraid.  when i am hurt, it really hurts.  the dullness has been replaced with sharp sometimes jagged emotions.

i laugh with all of my self.  i smile from my spirit.  i love in a way i have never experienced before.  all of this sounds great, i’m sure.  but, i also jump at loud sounds.  i have a hard time being polite when people are rude.  i cry when i am upset or sad or frustrated.  what has taken great strength for me to achieve probably looks like weakness most of the time.  and, i accept that.

for example, yesterday, during an exam, i started crying.  no joke.  me, in class, exam in hand, crying.  not a pretty picture.  it was one of the few times i wished i could switch my new emotional world off.  mostly because it was embarrassing.  i was upset, frustrated, and really disappointed.

school is what i do.  i love to learn.  i live for it.  knowledge feeds my spirit.  i’ve worked very hard to be back at school.  i am walking a very fine line financially to be here.  my greatest fear is that i won’t be able to continue to afford to stay enrolled.  i know how it feels to drop out; i never want to experience that again.  i’ll be honest, the fear is sometimes paralyzing.

i remember all too vividly how it feels to be empty.  to simply survive everyday.  to be broke and broken.  to go without food.  without heat.  without health care.  to live without passion.  without purpose.  believe me, i realize how incredibly blessed i am right now.  to be doing what i love.  to have access to so many things that i need and want.  but i’m smart enough to not get too comfortable.  so, when one of my classmates asked me, “what’s wrong?”  all i could say was, “i have to get an A on this test.”  i realize that probably sounded shallow and silly.  but there is always a story.

my life is a work in progress.  i have taken a great risk by allowing myself to be happy.  i have taken control by letting it go.  it takes great strength to allow yourself weakness.  to confront one’s demons and demand autonomy is scary and breathtaking and brilliant.  to feel the world is a remarkable gift.  and a challenge worth accepting.